I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Please don't give away my fajitas
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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