I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We talked him into tasing himself.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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