We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i came on her dog
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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