I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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