I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
