Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
