At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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