ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
