someone get that fucking seahorse.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
