2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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