Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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