he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
