Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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