I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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