I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
