I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
