im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
