i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
this hospital has no fireball
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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