WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
So many bounce houses so little time
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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