In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
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drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
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I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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