i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
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She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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