Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
