I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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