if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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