No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
