When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
