So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
