You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
