Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
