Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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