Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
