Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My dick has a subreddit
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
