I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
