im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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