Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
