My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
it was like eating out sand paper
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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