i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
