Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
