so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
