i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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