last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
