I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
