fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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