This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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