Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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