Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
