the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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