how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
