Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.