I'm gonna have a badass scar
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
19 Teachers Share the Funniest Items Brought to “Show and Tell”
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
23 Concerns People Have When They’re About To Have Sex With Someone New
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.