i already hear my dad disowning me
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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