Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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