His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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