I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
