he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
