did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
organizing the empties. That sober.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
